


What Looks So Strong

by AshKnight



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-02
Updated: 2014-04-02
Packaged: 2018-01-17 23:26:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1406476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshKnight/pseuds/AshKnight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Regina has something on her mind, and Emma is worried. SwanQueen mentioned. Mostly BeautyQueen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What Looks So Strong

The cell contained her guilt. Knowing this, she hesitated in the halls of the dungeon before opening the door. Inside, her redemption awaited her, each day hoping for her to return and seize the opportunity to save herself from her own prison. But like every other day, she chose the guilt over the freedom of redemption.

****

_Keep holding on when my brain's ticking like a bomb_

****

_Guess the black thoughts have come and came to get me_

****

_Sweet bitter words unlike nothing I have heard_

****

_Sing along, mockingbird, you don't affect me_

****

Regina cringed and leaned over the toilet, emptying the contents of her supper. "No," she moaned. "God, just stop." Hot tears worked their way down her cheeks and dripped onto the porcelain, steaming from the temperature contrast with the cold seat.

"Mom?" a voice called out from outside the bathroom door.

"Not now, Henry," Regina choked, coughing into the toilet.

"Mom?" he repeated.

"Henry, I'm fine. Go get ready for bed."

Her skin seemed to crawl and suffocate her each time she took a breath, like a constricting snake collapsing its prey. But soon, Regina found herself unable to breathe at all, her chest heaving to no avail. No oxygen would reach her lungs, and no amount of tears would force the air down. She was drowning.

What seemed like hours later, she stood on shaky legs and leaned over the sink, splashing her face with water. With equally shaking hands, she moved a toothbrush back and forth against her teeth, scrubbing until her gums bled and she could taste the iron. The blood dripped down her throat and into her stomach. It was hot with the last drops of what was living inside her. The rest, she reasoned, was dead at last, with no hope of revival. A mixture of sweat, soap, and nearly-freezing cold water dripped down her face into the sink as she stared into her own eyes in the elegant mirror in front of her.

But when she turned and reached for the doorknob, the last of her supper lurched up in her throat, and she turned just in time to let it splash into the toilet, completely disgusted.

"Oh, God. . ."

****

_That's right_

****

_Deliver it to my heart_

****

_Please strike_

****

_Be deliberate_

****

"Regina? Are you alright in there? Henry said you sounded like you were crying. Can I come in?"

Regina immediately braced herself against the door.

"No! Don't. Just don't. Please, just go to bed. I'll be in in a minute."

Emma could tell she was choking down sobs and she reached out to turn the doorknob to let herself into the bathroom, but she found herself unable to push the door in. Her heart raced, dropping into her stomach as fear gripped her wrists and prevented her from pulling her hands away. Instead, Emma tried harder to turn the knob, but to no avail. She started to sweat with panic until her hands were slipping from the sweat building up on her palms.

"Let me in, Regina. Please! Just talk to me," she begged. Whatever it is, honey, I can help. Just let me help."

At last, she opened the door, looking lifeless, black circles around her eyes, almost as if she might pass out and collapse. Her vision blurred, and suddenly, all she could see were the fuzzy, washed-out colors on the walls and the outlines of the paintings hanging up on each side of her bed.

"I'm gonna. . . I'm gonna. . ."

She tried to say Emma's name, but it was caught somewhere inside her, or maybe somewhere outside her, just out of reach. All at once, she reached for the doorframe and actually did faint, her body resting in a heap on the marble floor of the bathroom.

********

_Wait, I'm coming undone_

****

_Irate, I'm coming undone_

****

_Too late, I'm coming undone_

****

_What looks so strong, so delicate_

****

_Wait, I'm starting to suffocate_

****

_And soon I anticipate_

****

_I'm coming undone_

****

_What looks so strong, so delicate_

****

In the morning, she woke to Emma's lips on hers, slowly kissing her and wrapping her arms around Regina's neck, but Regina pulled away.

"Don't. Please. Oh, Christ. . . my head. . . What happened?"

"You -"

"No, don't tell me. I. . . I have to tell you some-"

The door flung open and Henry appeared in the open doorway, rushing over to his mother's bedside. He was fully dressed, so it must have been past the time when he was supposed to be in school. _Wait. . ._

"Mom?!"

He grabbed her hand and squeezed, looking eagerly up into her eyes.

"Mom, are you okay? What happened?"

"Nothing, Henry. Nothing happened. I'm fine," she lied. "See?"

She forced a smile and swallowed whatever sick, disgusting thing she was feeling. When she looked down at their hands, resting on the satin sheets, she saw that hers was still shaking. It hadn't stopped since the night before. In fact, all of her had been shaking throughout the night, even in her sleep. Emma had noticed, but didn't dare to wake her. She'd watched over the woman all night, feeling restless and unsure of what to do. How could she help her? There seemed to be nothing she could really do. She just had to wait until morning to confront her about what had happened.

"Why aren't you in school, young man?" she questioned, trying to sound stern. Really, she was mostly just confused.

"I was worried about you, and Emma said I could stay home." Regina shot the woman a glare. "You're acting weird. What's the matter?"

"Nothing's the matter, Henry," she gulped. "You should be in school."

"I don't believe you. Why do you have to lie to me?"

Henry stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Regina looked at Emma with an accusatory stare, irritated and irate.

"You told him he could stay home?" she snapped. "Why would you do that?"

Emma drew back under the covers, her body posture tensing. She was confused. Why was Regina suddenly acting so cold? What had happened to make her react this way? True, she had anger problems - everyone knew that, her better than anyone - but this was different.

"I. . . We were just worried about you, and he wanted to make sure you were alright. So did I. You were really. . . not okay last night."

"Don't. Don't tell me. I don't want to know, okay? Let's just forget about it and pretend it never happened."

"You're not okay, and I want to know what happened."

"I got shitfaced, okay?! I got belligerently drunk, gave myself alcohol poisoning, and threw up everywhere. You weren't here and I was bored, alright? Okay? Can you back the fuck off now?"

Emma's eyes filled with tears, not recognizing the lie. She was shocked by Regina's raw and unchained rage. It had been a long time since she'd seen it so severe, but she couldn't understand what was going on. Since when did she even drink? Emma refused to believe that Regina really didn't want to be comforted, so she leaned closer and wrapped a gentle arm around the woman's shoulder.

"Don't touch me."

"I love you, Regina," Emma told her eagerly, kissing her lips.

But Regina roughly shoved the woman away and threw her legs out from under the covers.

"I have to go."

Faster than she ever had before, she threw on her clothes - this time, alone in the bathroom, instead of in front of her lover. In moments, she was out the door.

****

_Choke, choke again, I thought my demons were my friends_

****

_Pity me in the end, they're out to get me_

****

_Since I was young I tasted sorrow on my tongue_

****

_And this sweet sugar gun does not protect me_

****

The tray of food in her hand shook and rattled as she unlocked and opened the door with the other hand, almost spilling the glass of milk all over the meal of roasted chicken, green beans, and a baked potato.

"I thought I'd bring you something a little different today," she said anxiously. She felt the bile rising in her throat. "It'll make you feel better."

She set the tray on the steel bed beside the emaciated girl and stood in front of her awkwardly, not knowing exactly what to say or how to say it. All she knew was that if she didn't do it fast, she was going to vomit all over the girl's paper thin nightgown. _What am I doing?_ Regina made an involuntary gasp for air and set her froze her gaze on the floor. The girl looked uninterested, ignoring the steaming plate of fresh, actually edible food - something she hadn't had in years.

"It's okay. Really. It's not poison."

The girl hesitated but eventually picked up the fork and picked at the chicken on her plate. After just one taste, she was insatiable, nearly choking on each bite.

"Slow down," Regina told her. "It's not going to jump off the plate, and I'm not going to take it from you."

She didn't listen, coughing down a few more hasty bites.

"Really," the Queen begged. "You're going to choke."

"What do you care?" the girl spat, still staring at her plate.

After a pause, she said, "Will you please talk to me?"

"Why should I?"

"Because I care," Regina confessed.

After a period of awkward hesitance, the two sat in the dark for hours, sharing their thoughts, until both were too tired to talk anymore. When Regina stood up to leave, the girl actually looked disappointed.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" Regina asked.

"If you want," the girl nodded, her head whirling from the sudden change in their relationship.

Her reality was warped to the point where she thought it might all be a trick or a dream. It was all too surreal. Suddenly her captor wanted to talk? Her world was instantaneously changed into something new and alive with language - something she'd been lacking for a long, long time. Even the simple use of words was a release. The only thing she had to talk to were the walls around her and the mice in her cell, and although they were great listeners, they were poor conversationalists.

****

_That's right_

****

_Trigger between my eyes_

****

_Please strike_

****

_Make it quick now_

****

Another restless night of vomit and tears caused Emma to worry. In the morning, she was sitting up in bed, waiting for Regina to wake. As soon as she did, Regina was holding her head in her hands, moaning in pain. _Ughhh, my head. . . This is bullshit._

"What's going on, Regina?" Emma demanded, this time with little kindness in her voice.

"I can't do this anymore."

****

_Wait, I'm coming undone_

****

_Irate, I'm coming undone_

****

_Too late, I'm coming undone_

****

_What looks so strong, so delicate_

****

_Wait, I'm starting to suffocate_

****

_And soon I anticipate_

****

_I'm coming undone_

****

_What looks so strong, so delicate_

****

  
  
**MONTHS LATER**

When she entered the cell, the girl was still asleep. It was dark outside, and the sun was just barely beginning to rise, so it was no surprise that she wasn't awake yet. But Regina had brought her breakfast, and it was hot, so she gently shook the girl's shoulder.

"Belle? I brought you breakfast. I know it's a little early, but I-"

Belle's eyes shot open, startled, but she recovered quickly.

"Oh, God. Ms. Mills. It's you. I thought. . . I don't know what I thought. I had these terrible dreams. . ."

"It's okay. It's just me," Regina assured her. "Call me Regina. Please. I brought you breakfast."

"Thank you. . . I'm starving. . ."

Regina flinched. She gently handed her one dish at a time. The first was hot oatmeal, which Belle ate gratefully. She had still not become accustomed to 'real' food, and it was a pleasure to be eating something that didn't make her stomach feel like an empty chasm. Regina sat quietly for a while, just watching and waiting for her to be finished. When Belle was done, she took the whole tray from her and set it to the side.

"I'm sorry about your bad dreams. I didn't sleep last night, but I've been having them, too."

Belle looked surprised.

"Really? What are yours about?"

"Forget about my dreams. Tell me about yours. What's bothering you?"

"I had a dream that you were killed by a. . . a monster. . . and I was left here completely alone, without you."

"What did you say?" Regina asked in disbelief.

"I said the dream I had where I was without you was a nightmare."

Something about her voice was confident, but some other part was scared and unsure, not knowing how Regina would react. Regina just stared into her eyes, looking for the truth, trying to figure out if the whole thing was a dream. But she did find truth in Belle's eyes, and she savored it. It was rare that anyone told her the truth, and it was even more rare for anyone to value her company. In fact, the last person to value her company at all was Daniel. She felt pangs in her stomach thinking about him, but something kept the tears from falling. Belle stared back at her bravely, refusing to look away.

"Now, tell me yours," Belle added.

"I had a similar dream, except you left of your own volition. You left and never looked back."

****

_I'm_

****

_trying to hold it together_

****

_head is lighter than a feather_

****

_looks like I'm not getting better_

****

_not getting better_

****

Belle had fallen asleep while they were talking - it had been almost four in the morning - and Regina had fallen asleep on the floor next to her bed. When she woke, she looked over at the girl and sighed. _How am I going to tell her?_

She got up and slipped the key into her pocket, locking the door behind her as she went to get them breakfast. When she returned, Belle was awake, looking distressed.

"Hey," Regina said softly, setting the tray down. "I brought. . . What's the matter?"

"I went to sleep, and you were here, but when I woke up, you were gone. . . I just thought I'd dreamed it."

"It wasn't a dream," she said. "I'm right here. Eat something, okay?"

Belle was finally nearing a healthy weight, and Regina was happy to see her looking better. The color had returned to her cheeks and there was life in her eyes again. She'd started eating slowly, too, which was a plus. But Belle wasn't eating that day. In fact, she pretended like the food wasn't even there and kept looking at Regina.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" the Queen asked.

"I don't believe you're real sometimes. You're here, but you're not. You're so far away from me, like I'll never really reach you."

"Why?"

"Because you'll never really open up to me the way I've opened up to you. You'll never feel the way I feel about you. You'll always be far away, and I'll always feel like I could never have as much of you as I want."

"And exactly how much do you want?" Regina's asked, her voice low and smooth but unable to hide her surprise.

"I want all of you."

"Belle, I'm really sorry, but I have to go. I have to take Henry to school," Regina said, looking down at her watch. "But I want you to have this. Listen. . . Belle. . ." Regina savored her name. She handed the girl a sealed white envelope with her name on it in gold letters. "I'll be back in a few hours, if you still want to see me."

"Of course I still want to see you. Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know," Regina lied. "Maybe you'll change your mind. I have to go."

She hurried out of the room, almost slamming the door behind her. Belle could tell she was being truthful about Henry, but she was disappointed none the less. She looked down at the envelope, her brow furrowing. Confused and a little alarmed, she hurriedly opened the envelope and removed its contents: a set of keys and a note.

_I love you, Belle. Please forgive me. I'm so sorry._


	2. Empty

Regina returned later in the day, as promised, but the cell was empty, and Belle wasn't there. The door was left cracked open. She couldn't have waited any longer to give the girl her freedom. Each night Regina was away from her, she was sick with guilt. It had gotten a little better since her breakup with Emma - one less thing to feel guilty about - but still, it ate her alive inside to live with imprisoning her. It hadn't bothered her for years, but now, suddenly she couldn't stand it any longer, and she had to let the girl go.

Seeing the cell empty made her heart sink. Something inside her hoped the girl would stay, but that was unrealistic. _I'm so stupid,_ Regina thought, staring down at the empty steel bed. She sat down and gripped the edge of the metal, feeling the cold sting her fingers. The blanket was folded neatly at the bottom, and Regina laid herself down with her head on the pillow. She could still smell Belle there, and she relished the scent. She buried her face in the fabric of the pillow and inhaled deeply, tears forming in her eyes. It wasn't a surprise that Belle had gone - Regina would have done the same - but it hurt none the less, and Regina felt herself longing to see the girl just one more time.

_Just once more. . . Please. . . Just once more._

But as Regina lay in silence, no one came, and she felt her cracking heart collapse inward on itself. With a bitter sob, she crushed the pillow over her face and screamed into it, muffling the sound. Still, it was loud it enough that it could be heard down the hallway. But no one was there. She was alone.

Regina lifted her head and slammed it back down onto the metal bed, trying to distract herself from the emotional pain her weak heart was feeling. She couldn't stop it, and it overtook her in a wave, like something heavy sitting on her chest and stopping each breath. It felt like her ribs were cracking, like she was bleeding on the inside. Over and over again, she kept screaming, every now and then slamming her head back down to bring herself back into reality. And the reality was that Belle was never coming back. _Everyone in Storybrooke was right about me,_ Regina realized. _I_ am _truly evil._ To Regina, it felt as though there was nothing she could do to change. She had emotionally abused Emma, killed hundreds of innocent people, and imprisoned Belle, and now her sins were coming back to haunt her.

And how could Belle possibly have loved her, after all she'd done? But hadn't they gotten closer? They'd confided in each other. At least, Belle had confided in her; Regina wasn't one to share her feelings with anyone. Maybe that was part of the reason why she left. Maybe Belle was right, and Regina would never be able to give all of herself to anyone, no matter how badly she wanted or tried to. She found herself unable to stop crying, eaten alive by her own weakness. It disgusted her, and she felt the nausea return.

Eventually, the sobbing did stop, but her breaths were still gasps for air, and her chest heaved with the effort of each one. Her face was red and hot from the emotional release, and her head was throbbing from the pressure. But as she began to calm herself, Belle's scent found her nose again, and she finally felt her heart break. Shutting her eyes she sighed into the pillow and took a breath.

"Belle," she whimpered, still crying.

Regina's hand slipped between her own legs, and she started to undue the buttons of her pants, sliding them down to her thighs. She sighed heavily, moving her hand into her lace panties. Her fingers moved as Regina rolled over onto her side, turning her head into the pillow and moaning. She kept working her fingers until her moans grew louder. The girl's name escaped her lips in a groan as she came and soaked her fingers.


	3. The Last Splash of Sunlight

Without pulling her clothes back on, Regina fell asleep, head and heart still pounding. The pillow was beside her, and she was clutching it in her arms, leaning against it. Her cheek was pressed against the cold metal of the bed, but her face was still warm and red. Even while sleeping, her muscles tensed, and she was taking large, heavy breaths, still straining to breathe. Exhaustion took over, and she slept for hours, until the sun started to go down and dusk bled through the window, the last of the sunlight splashing on her face. Soon, shadows kissed her cheek, but she didn't stir until she heard the unmistakable sound of the thick metal door opening with a screech.

"Regina?" a voice asked. "Oh, Jesus. . . I didn't mean to. . . to. . . I'm so sorry."

The girl slammed the door shut and disappeared into the hallway, her face a bright red hue. She leaned against the wall, covering her mouth with two hands, panting for air. Had she really just seen that?

Regina sucked in a huge breath and nearly choked on it, coughing up and expelling the oxygen. She immediately swung her legs off the bed and stood up, jerking her underwear and pants up as quickly as she could. The hue of her cheeks matched the hue of the young girl's in the hallway, but she was even more embarrassed (and rightfully so). Regina threw the door open, not caring that it slammed against the wall and made a thunderous crashing noise that filled the entire floor of the building.

She ran - faster than she ever had - and screamed, "Belle, WAIT!"

Luckily for her, Belle was pretty much frozen with shock, so she hadn't gone far and also hadn't moved since pressing her back up against the cold wall. Regina stood awkwardly in front of her, wanting to throw her arms around the girl but not knowing what to say. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out, as if she'd forgotten how to make the words. Jaw dropped open, she was staring. Belle was wearing the dress Regina had left for her. Its elegance was enhanced by the girl's own beauty, and Regina found herself unable to make any noise at all. She did, however, just barely remember how to breathe, and as her heart quickened, so did her breaths.

They kept staring at each other, both of their faces rushed with blood, even more so than before, until Regina finally managed a quiet, "You look so beautiful."

"It was a beautiful gift from an exceedingly beautiful woman," she responded.

Belle's eyes flashed in the dark with something Regina couldn't recognize. It pulsed through the girl's veins and overflowed inside her until she could no longer keep it in. Belle smoothed her dress and looked down at her shoes - a pair of light yellow heels that matched her outfit. Regina looked at her with lustful adoration, unconsciously scanning her body up and down. Belle noticed this, and it fueled the blush on her cheeks, making it impossible to slow her heart rate.

"I'm sorry. . . I didn't mean for you to see me like that. . ." Regina finally said. "I didn't think. . . I didn't think you'd come back, so I. . . I mean. . . Oh, God. . ."

"It's okay. I just. . . I'm sorry, too. I should've. . . I don't know. I just didn't expect. . . to see. . ."

"I'm sorry," Regina choked again, her voice cracking as if she might cry.

She hung her head in humiliation and started wringing her hands, still in disbelief that the incident actually happened.

How could she have let anyone see her like that? She should have put a barrier curse on the door, but like she'd said, she did not expect Belle to return. Regina cringed. The situation was completely inescapable. No way out. She tried to swallow the shame, but it wouldn't reach her stomach. It stayed stuck in her throat, making her voice shake and betray her embarrassment.

"It's really okay. . ." Belle tried to convince her. "You don't have to be embarrassed. . . Everyone does it. . . I mean. . . It's not a big deal. . ."

Regina was silent, unable to respond.

"Regina?" Belle asked quietly, nervous to hear the answer to her next question. "Why were you. . . Why did you do it in my bed?"

Regina's jaw dropped again and every muscle in her body froze solid. She didn't want to answer. She couldn't. But she couldn't lie, not to Belle.

"I just came back to see. . . you know. . . to see if you were still there. When you weren't, I sat down, and I -" She stopped short. _I cried_ , she wanted to say. But the words wouldn't come out. "Everything still smelled like you. . . and I couldn't. . . I couldn't stop myself."

Belle's lips parted, and she gaped at the woman, stupefied. She felt her heart jump up into throat. Not knowing exactly what to say, she reached out and gently brushed Regina's hand with her fingertips. Up until that point, they hadn't touched. Months had passed, and not one touch had passed between them, so when Belle felt her hand, she realized that it felt exactly like she dreamed it would - perfectly soft and smooth, not unlike the petals of a rose. She imagined her lips felt the same. Thinking of this, she felt her core get hot with desire. But she waited for Regina to make the next move, not daring to give much more without some sign from Regina that she wanted it, too.

This sign Regina gladly provided by moving closer. She was trembling, but it didn't stop her from taking the one precious step forward.

"I'm so embarrassed," she confessed. "I can't believe you saw me like that."

"I'd like to see it again," Belle offered bravely. "If you're not too scared to show me."

Belle winked and smiled encouragingly, regaining her composure, at least enough to try flirtation, something completely new to her. Still, she wouldn't make another move, silently daring Regina to touch her. Regina looked more surprised than lustful or pleased, like she couldn't believe it was happening. When they looked at each other, Regina saw something new in Belle's eyes. They were still sparkling, but there was something different, something strange that she couldn't place. But the same look was in her own eyes, and Belle could sense it, wanting to take full advantage of the moment. Maybe Regina wasn't ready to share all of herself or let her in, but her eyes couldn't lie.

"Regina," she crooned. "Just make love to me."

This time, Regina didn't hesitate. Her hunger was insatiable, the fire between them unquenchable. She lifted the girl up, pulling her legs around her waist and pressing her up against the wall. Their lips moved together as Belle tangled her hands in Regina's hair as they pressed their bodies closer together. Regina lifted her back up into her arms and carried her down the hallway, back into the cell, which had become a place full of memories of their most precious moments. Gently, she laid Belle on the bed and lifted her dress, moving her own hand between the girl's legs and up her thigh.

"Please," Belle whimpered, moving her hips up to meet Regina's.

The Queen grabbed the girl's hands and pressed them against the zipper of her pants. As Belle obeyed the silent order, Regina slid her fingers up inside Belle and leaned down to kiss her thighs. Belle begged her not to stop and could barely get Regina's pants down. Of course, Regina grew frustrated with this, pulled her fingers out and jerked her own pants down, gracefully stepping out of them and grabbing Belle's legs, sliding her forward and resuming her position between the girl's thighs, this time pushing her fingers even deeper. Belle moaned, gasping for air, and grabbed for Regina's hips, trying to pull her closer, but the woman pushed her hands away.

"No," she said, kneeling down in front of the girl, pulling her closer by her legs until her face was directly in front of Belle's center. With each touch, kiss, and lick, Belle grew closer and closer to climax, until her moans turned into desperate screams. When Belle finished, Regina licked her lips.

They both lay spent on the bed, wrapped in each other's arms, Regina's head on Belle's chest.

"Why did you come back?" Regina asked, sighing.

"Because I love you, too."


	4. Anywhere With You

"Let's run away from here," Regina begged. "Let me take you somewhere else."

"Where?" Belle asked, intrigued.

"I don't know yet, but we'll find someplace. I just want to be alone with you."

They both sighed, still laying in each other's arms.

"We are alone," Belle pointed out, looking over into her eyes.

"I don't mean here. I want to take you somewhere beautiful."

Belle shook her head, laughing off the sweetness of the comment.

"Don't be silly."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you're being silly. I'm happy wherever I'm with you."

Regina let her head fall back against the metal. Her eyes slammed shut and started to fill with tears again as she shook her head. She couldn't understand how Belle could be so content with her life, when it was so miserable. Then again, Regina's life had been miserable, too, before Belle. That was all different now, in just a few short, life-changing months. Now she felt as though she couldn't live without Belle. Like it was wrong to go without her for too long. When she left, she longed to be back in her arms.

"Don't you see how fucked up that is?" Regina cried. "This is a horrible place, and it's my fault you're here."

"I forgive you, Regina. You're not the person you were years ago, and you never will be."

Belle looked sure. Confident. She had so much faith, such pure, naive belief - like Henry. They both had faith in her, but they were the only ones. No one else believed in her. And even now, Henry still wouldn't speak to her, because she had lied to him months ago about being ill. But she couldn't take that back, and she wasn't sure she could regain Henry's trust. But Belle. . . Belle believed in her, blindly and whole-heartedly. More than anyone else ever had.

"You have too much faith in me. I'll only let you down."

"You won't," she smiled, stroking Regina's hair. "I know you won't."

Regina was too tired to protest. She wiped the tears from her eyes then shut them again, slipping her hand into Belle's. She thought for a while, and they were both quiet. She listened to Belle's breathing and felt her chest rise and fall, letting it slowly start to lull her to sleep.

But before she fell asleep, she asked, "Do you think Henry will ever trust me again?"

They had talked a lot about Henry in their hours spent together in Belle's cell, and Belle understood the situation well by then. In fact, she'd learned a lot about Henry, including the fact that his biological mother - Regina's ex lover - was trying to gain custody of him. They hadn't talked much about Emma - mostly because it made Regina instantly furious - but Belle got the general idea.

"I do," Belle answered, "But I think it might take a really long time. He's young and impressionable, but he's also at a really sensitive age where he's trying to figure out who he's going to become. When you lie to him, you're telling him he doesn't deserve to hear the truth. And that's all he wants, Regina. It's obvious that all he wants from you is the truth."

Regina nodded and sighed, leaving her eyes shut. She didn't have a response, so she let her mind wander, thinking about Henry and what he might be doing with Emma at that moment.

"Don't worry, sweetie. Henry will come around. Emma's not going to win this. But you are going to have to share him," she said. "You're going to have to play nicely if you want him in your life, you know."

"I know," Regina snapped. "I know that, okay? I just hate seeing Emma. I hate it. It makes me feel so empty inside, being around her. Like we had something we lost and I'll never get it back."

As soon as she said it, she instantly retracted the statement.

"Wait, no. Belle, I just mean. . ."

"No, it's fine," Belle said, sitting up. "I get it. You were lovers. You gave her a lot of yourself, and it's okay to be hurt without her."

"Please, don't. It's not like that, Belle. It's just that when we first got together, I felt like maybe she was the one who could change me. Like maybe if I gave a little, I'd actually get love in return. And I think she really did love me, but I didn't love her, so when I gave those parts of me away, I never got them back. She wasn't a bad lover. She just didn't understand me the way you do. She could never understand where my feelings came from. Well. . . I guess I didn't share that many of them, now that I'm thinking about it. God. I don't know. I don't know how to explain this without sounding like a total witch."

"It's okay. Just try."

Regina nodded and continued by saying, "I tried to give myself, but I couldn't. I didn't feel like I could, with her. I wanted to, I really did. I wanted it to work. And when I stopped feeling. . . I just went numb, and I just tried to keep us together for Henry. And all I did was make it worse. Oddly enough, Henry's not mad about us splitting up. But he still doesn't know why I was. . . why I lied to him. He doesn't know about you. Yet."

"You're going to tell him? Belle asked, truly surprised.

"Of course I am," Regina said quickly. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Because it's going to hurt him? Because he wants his moms to be together?"

Regina shrugged.

"I'm not so sure that he really cares if we're together. I'm pretty sure he's on Emma's side right now. He seems to be pretty happy just being with her," she sighed. "Maybe it's better for her to have custody. I just want him to be happy, you know? He's not happy with me."

"Regina! You can change all that. It's just going to take some time. Don't give up on him."

"I just want him to be happy," Regina repeated.

Belle sighed and wrapped her arms around her, smoothing her hair again. She wasn't sure what else she really could say. Here she was, suddenly talking about Regina's ex lover and her son who she had never met. Something about it was just so awkward to sit with. It didn't feel right to hear the details of their relationship, but on the other hand, she wanted to know. Well, what she really wanted to hear was that Emma was a terrible lover and that Regina could never love anyone as much as she loved her.

"If you were so unhappy, why did you stay with her so long?"

"For Henry," Regina answered. "I guess. Our relationship was really empty. It was all just arguing and sex. There was nothing more to it than that. Emma tried, but it was all just _so_ empty."

"Um. . ."

"Oh. Shit. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. . . I'm so sorry. . ."

"No, it's. . . it's fine."

But Regina could tell it wasn't fine. She'd definitely messed up.

"Can I take you out to eat? I want to show you off," she asked hopefully, trying to wiggle her way out of the subject of Emma.

"And what will you tell everyone? That we're friends?"

"Not unless you want me to. I'd like to tell them you're my lover. If you are."

"I am!" Belle cried. "Of course I am. I do. I do want them to know. I just didn't know about. . . Henry. . . or. . . I don't know. What if we see Emma?"

"Let her see," Regina laughed, pushing a hand through her own hair, shaking her head. "You think I care what she thinks of me?"

"It might hurt her feelings to see you moving on," Belle pointed out quietly, not daring to be too assertive.

"Will you come or not? If you don't want to be seen with me, I'll go get something at Granny's and bring it back."

"Let's go," Belle nodded, standing up, her knees shaking with nervousness, but luckily, Regina couldn't see it through the dress.


	5. Granny's

At Granny's, Regina ordered Belle a cheeseburger, grinning from ear to ear when people stared at them as they walked by. Was the Queen really with another woman already? They weren't that surprised, but it didn't phase Regina. All she saw was Belle. When taking their order, Ruby looked Belle up and down, clearly admiring what she saw. Regina wanted to tell her not to get any ideas, but she also didn't want to make a scene in front of Belle. She'd wait until Ruby made a pass, and then assassinate her. No. . . she couldn't do that. But she certainly wouldn't let anyone get away with it.

"So how do you like it?" Regina asked, when the girl took her first bite of the hamburger.

"It's great," Belle said, smiling.

Regina felt slightly pleased with herself, happy her suggestion had brought a smile to Belle's face. It was intoxicating, and it made her heart race. But of course - because everything bad that can happen often does - the next sound they heard was the chime of the bell above the door as it opened. In walked Emma, Henry in hand. Regina watched, slightly in horror, as she conversed with Ruby, not noticing her presence in the booth yet.

"Belle. . ."

The girl looked up and found the queen's gaze. She followed it across the room to where Emma was standing, and her mouth hung open a bit. It was obvious who it was, judging by the way Regina was looking at her. 'What if we see Emma?' had become a reality. _Great_ , Belle thought. _That's what I'm competing with?_ Emma's blonde hair bounced around her shoulders and seemed to glow as the light hit it. She was beautiful; Belle couldn't deny that. It didn't help much that Regina was staring.

Trying to reduce the awkwardness as much as possible, she asked, "Is that Henry?"

Regina nodded but didn't break her gaze until Emma turned around, almost as if she knew someone was looking at her. The queen flinched, and Emma saw. Regina had forgotten that her hand was locked with Belle's, and when she quickly jerked her gaze away and stared down at the table, she noticed. Her first instinct was to let go, but she refused to obey her gut. Instead, she gripped the girl's hand a little tighter.

"Nice, Regina," Emma spat. "Moving on already. In public, too! Really, really nice." Emma turned to Henry and said nothing, instead waiting for him to speak up. He didn't. He just stared at the two sitting in the booth in confusion, still holding his mother's hand.

"Stop it, Emma," Regina hissed. "It's not like that."

"Stop what? You're parading women around town like a slut, and I'm the bad guy?"

Regina was officially embarrassed, and she finally let go of Belle's hand and turned to face Emma completely. _Of course this would happen,_ she thought. _Why wouldn't it?_ She looked up at Emma, not really knowing how to respond in front of Henry. It made her nervous that he wasn't saying anything. She would almost rather him be angry than silent. At least then she would know what he was thinking. For now, she just had to accept that Henry was still refusing to speak to her. She wanted to say something, to explain to him that Belle was special, and that it wasn't anything personal against him or Emma that caused them to be together. She wasn't trying to hurt him. But she knew that would only make it worse, so instead, she just gave Henry a weak but sincere smile. He ignored it and looked up at his biological mother, waiting for her to say something instead.

"I figured as much," Emma said. "I should have known."

"Wait, Emma," Regina said, standing up, but Emma and Henry were already half way out the door.

It was a poor choice of words on Regina's part, and they left Belle's mouth hanging slightly open. The girl looked surprised, and a little hurt, but she didn't ask questions. Regina sat down, unprompted, and looked across the table. She reached out her hand, but Belle didn't take it. Instead, they exchanged glances before Regina spoke again.

"Belle, please," she implored. "It's _not_ like that. I just don't want her to think I cheated on her, you know? I'm not. . . that's not me. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not that. I'm not a cheater."

A little coldly, Belle replied, "I'm glad to hear that."

Belle was quiet for a while, and Regina didn't dare to speak, but after some time, she continued, "She's pretty."

"Not the way you are," Regina immediately retorted. "You're beautiful."

"Why me?" she asked sadly. "Out of all the people you could have, why me?"

"How could it ever not be you?"


	6. Custody

That night, Emma showed up at Regina's, pounding on the door. Both Belle and Regina stood up, a little startled. Regina rushed to answer the door, not knowing who would be making such a scene at such a late hour of the night, and was only slightly surprised to find Emma sanding there.

"What do you want?" Regina sighed.

"I want permanent custody of Henry," she said. "And I want you and your little girlfriend to keep your affair private so my son doesn't have to see it when he goes to Granny's or anywhere else in town."

"Custody?" Regina gasped, bracing herself with one hand on the door frame. "Are you serious?"

"I'm serious. I'm taking you to court, and I hope you have a good lawyer, because you're not going to win."

"I'm not keeping my relationship from Henry a secret. And he'll see if me if he wants to, Emma. You having custody of him isn't going to change that."

"He doesn't _want_ to see you, Regina," Emma told her. "And yes, you are going to keep your relationship to yourself, because if you don't, Henry and I will move back to Boston and you'll _never_ see him again."

The words stung, but she knew they were true. Henry really didn't want to see her. Maybe that was for the best. But what about Belle? Regina turned away from Emma and glanced away towards the brunette, who was standing right behind her, saying nothing. Regina wasn't about to keep the girl locked up in her bedroom just so Henry wouldn't have to see them around. After all, it wasn't like she was doing anything wrong. She just happened to be in a new relationship at a particularly sensitive time in Henry's life. It was hard for him to deal with the fact that she and Emma would never be together again. It was probably getting easier, though, the less and less he wanted to see Regina. As his mother, all she really wanted was for Henry to be happy. If that meant being without her, then so be it. Besides, Emma was a good mom - except for maybe making that scene at Granny's and then calling her a slut in front of her son. That probably wasn't the most mature move Emma had ever made in front of Henry.

"Are we clear?" Emma pressed.

Regina was too ashamed to do anything but nod in weakness. On this issue, she had no power. Emma was Henry's biological mother, and that trumped any rights Regina had to see him. She knew she'd lose if Emma really brought her to court, so she tried not to push any buttons. Luckily, that was all she had to say anyway. Emma had finished her declamation, and Regina was allowed to retreat back into the house to recover from the shock. First, she watched until Emma drove away in the little yellow beetle. Only when the car was completely gone did Regina shut the door and turn to face Belle.

"Oh, my God," she groaned, choking back tears. "That was humiliating."

"She seems to be pretty good at that," Belle noted.

This was, of course, very true. If anyone knew how to humiliate Regina, it was Emma. But Emma likely underestimated just how much her words would affect her. Regina plopped down on the couch and covered her face in her hands.

"You must think I'm a terrible mother," Regina said, stifling her urge to cry.

"Oh, Regina, come on. I haven't even really seen you interact with your son. How could I think that about you?"

"Don't you think what Emma said says enough?"

"No," Belle answered. "I don't think it says anything except that she's angry and hurt by you leaving her. And she's probably worried how seeing us together made Henry feel."

"You really think she cares that I left her? Our relationship was pathetic."

"Yes, Regina, I do. She lost a beautiful, beautiful woman, and I'm sure she regrets what happened between you two."

Regina rolled this over in her mind. Was that how Emma saw it? She somehow doubted it. It seemed like Emma hated her now, especially since the incident at Granny's that day. But maybe Belle was right. Maybe she was just hurt and concerned about Henry. Or maybe Emma was just a complete . . .

"Regina?" Belle asked, trying to snap the woman out of her trance.

"Yes! Yes, sorry." She paused, then said, "You mean you think she wants me back?"

"Well, I didn't say that. She _does_ seem pretty upset with you . . . But obviously you have something of hers she can't get back."

"Huh?" Regina said. "What?"

Of course, Regina was thinking practically. Jewelry? Clothing? Hadn't Emma moved all of her shit out a while ago?

"Her heart, Regina," Belle laughed. "You have a piece of her heart."

Dumbfounded, Regina just sort of stared at the girl, not comprehending.

"She obviously loved you, Regina,"

"Let's talk about something else, okay?" Regina snapped, nearly jumping up off the couch. "Let's have some wine."


	7. Remembering Last Night

Regina opened the bottle of wine, gratefully anticipating the buzz that was to come. Also, she figured it would be amusing to see just how inebriated Belle would get before stopping. She couldn't imagine the girl ever being drunk, or even drinking alcohol at all. When she offered it to Belle, the girl accepted apprehensively.

"It's okay," Regina told her. "I'll only take advantage of you a little bit."

Belle blushed and giggled nervously. Her curls bounced around her shoulders, and Regina became mesmerized by them. When the girl smiled, it was almost as intoxicating as the wine the consumed. Perhaps they'd consumed it too quickly, because after less than an hour, Belle was giggling uncontrollably, laughing at things that weren't funny and saying things that proved just how drunk she actually was. Regina had lost track of just how much Belle had been drinking, but the first bottle of wine was gone, and the second was almost finished as well.

"I think you should slow down," Regina suggested lightly.

"Take me upstairs."

Regina obliged, carrying Belle up the steps. She left the wine glasses downstairs in the living room. Belle's was finished, but hers was only half empty. She was too preoccupied with Belle to care about finishing the glass or picking up the mess. They were alone, and that was all that mattered. Regina was torn; Belle was obviously drunk, and part of her wanted to give the girl some water and put her to bed, but the other part of her wanted to take advantage of her state, to enjoy the girl's lack of inhibition. She battled this decision out in the head as she unclothed the girl. Regina placed Belle on the bed, laying her down and leaning over her to pull her shirt up over her head and undo her bra. When Belle lustfully wrapped her legs around the woman's waist, the queen was no longer able to resist. The two made love, rougher than they had before, nails scratching each other's skin and leaving raised red marks on their backs and shoulders.

In the morning, Regina woke first. She stared at Belle for a long time, waiting for her to wake. She didn't dare to move, for fear of waking her up, and made sure to breathe as quietly as possible and not to rustle the sheets at all. When Belle finally did wake, she looked up at Regina with what looked like sparkles in her eyes.

"Well, that was an adventure," she commented, giggling. "I've never been that drunk before. Did I do anything stupid?

Regina nodded. "I like you drunk. You're _wild_."

"What...?" she asked, horrified that she may have done something ridiculous. "What did I do?"

"In bed," Regina explained. "You were positively wild."

"Oh, God," Belle gasped. "That's so embarrassing."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I can't remember it... I must have acted so stupidly."

"You were _great_ ," Regina told her with sincerity. "I hope I don't have to get you drunk again to get a repeat performance."

"I don't know what I'm doing in bed. I must have made a fool of myself."

"Let's just say it needs to happen more often."

"Really?" Belle asked, still extremely unsure of herself and her own skills - or possible lack thereof - in bed.

"Really," Regina confirmed.

The woman smiled and stroked the girl's hair, leaning in to press their foreheads together. For a while, she let herself get lost in the moment, waiting for Belle to pull away, but she never did. Instead, Regina pulled away first, looking the girl deeply in the eyes.

"You have nothing to be embarrassed of," she promised. "You're fantastic in bed."

Belle blushed and accepted the compliment shyly, not wanting to argue but still feeling skeptical. She wished she could remember it, remember what she'd done that had worked so well to please her lover. But alas, she found herself unable to recollect her moves the night before. As much as she wanted to, she could not retrieve the memories.

"I don't want to be that drunk again," she told Regina.

"Why not?"

"I want to remember it."

"Don't worry, love," Regina reassured her. "You'll remember it next time."

"But I don't know what I did that worked so well," Belle complained. "How will I know what to do next time? I was so drunk... I think I just... I think I just stopped thinking and went for it."

"Which is exactly what you should do next time. Just let it flow... Let it out. Let yourself get wild, because really, when you let yourself go, you are absolutely crazy between the sheets, and I love it."

Belle nodded and asked, "Why don't we try it again?"

As the morning light streamed in through the bedroom windows, Regina took the girl's hands and showed her exactly what magic she'd performed the night before.


	8. Something You Should Know

Later that night, Regina sat at the dinner table, picking at her food with her fork. _How do I say this?_ she wondered. She hung her head in her hands, dropping the fork on the table. _Belle, we need to talk..._ No. Not that. _I have to tell you something._ Nuh-uh. _I want you to know..._ Still no.

"Belle, there's something you should know," Regina finally decided on saying.

Belle looked up from her plate and glanced at Regina. It sounded bad. She wasn't used to having Regina elect to talk about anything serious. It made her uneasy. It must have been important for her to be beginning like that, as if preparing Belle for the worst. Did it have to do with Emma? Henry?

"When you were locked up," she began, "I was torn to pieces. Even before I really started talking to you, I was infatuated. And so, so guilty. I thought about ending it - about letting you go. About killing myself. I was sick with my own sins. I used to come home and just throw up and cry. I couldn't keep any food down, I was so sick with guilt. Emma started to worry. I told her I'd been drinking too much, and she bought it. But it wasn't the truth, Belle. I hated myself. I loathed everything I'd become, everything I'd done to you."

"Regina, it's really -" Belle started.

"It's _not_ okay. I was miserable. I wanted to die, and I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell her what I'd done. I was too ashamed. I didn't trust her. Every night, it got worse. I even started losing weight. It only started to slow down when you started talking to me... When you came into my life..."

The emotion in Regina's voice was overpowering, and Belle was shocked at the confession.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"I think you deserve to know how weak I was. I just sobbed and sobbed, every night, Belle. _Every_ night. But you became my salvation. Every smile you shared with me healed my heart little by little. I still hate everything I was then, but I feel so alive. I've conquered and controlled armies, owned the largest castle ever built, stored more treasure than any man could dream of. None of it filled me the way that you do, and I am so, so sorry for everything I did to you, and everything you lost because of me."

Belle's eyes welled with tears.

"Oh, Regina," she sighed. "You have given me so much more than you could ever take away. And you are far from weak. You are the strongest woman I know."

Regina shed a few tears, too, unable to hold them back. It seemed that Belle brought out both the weakest and strongest parts of her. But she felt the need to be honest with the girl. After so long behind bars, Belle deserved the truth, even if it pained Regina to tell it. Belle placed a kiss on her right cheek and then kissed her ear.

"I have a confession, too," she told her. "I used to dream about you every night. It started the night you brought me that first meal."

"And what happened in those dreams?" Regina asked, not sure she wanted to know.

"In the first, you kissed me. You kissed me and said that you were sorry. I didn't know why I'd dreamt it. But the dreams started getting more intense, until I started dreaming of you making love to me."

Belle looked embarrassed, but she forced herself to continue. If Regina could be brave and dare to share her deepest emotions, so could she. Regina deserved the truth, too.

"And I had those dreams every night."

"I had those dreams, too..." Regina confessed. "I had them even before we started speaking. I had them when I was in bed with Emma."

She looked ashamed. Belle blushed. Although it was unfair to Emma, Belle secretly liked the idea that Regina's heart was with her and not her former lover.

"When you two made love, did you think about me?" Belle bravely asked.

"Yes."

Regina hung her head in her hands again and started to cry.

"I'm a terrible person. I'm a monster, Belle."

"Stop it. Regina, you couldn't help it. It's okay."

"I don't know how you can care for me the way you do," Regina told her, "but I'm grateful, and I'm so, so in love with you."

"I'm glad," Belle responded. "Because now that you have my heart, I couldn't live without you."


End file.
